Bitter

i'm not bitter. no kidding. i'm surrounded by happy couples and i'm happy for them. i like the idea of people hooking up almost everywhere- the bar, the gym, the mall, even in the library! i do think about happily ever after every once in a while but i just can't help but think that it's just not for me... or it just doesn't seem to happen to me.

a group of us went to stay at a friend's place for a weekend and her boyfriend caught up with us in the afternoon. they must've thought i'm crazy because i can't seem to look at him or my friend directly for the rest of our stay. i bet one of them were thinking that i like the guy... when in fact they couldn't be more wrong. this is the first time i will be putting these feelings out there and the first instance that my shield will show a chip.

i can't look at happy couples because i remember my past. it's really depressing for me to see them so sweet and close and be reminded that i do not have that anymore. memories gush out my emotional floodgate and i can't seem to stop it. reminiscing the times when it was still good would be just plain suicide for me- like stabbing myself in the gut fifty times. steady pain and slow death. don't get me wrong, i HAVE moved on, but a part of me still longs for the moments that were just pure bliss... when i felt so loved... when someone was there to make everything right for me... now i'm crying. the pain? well, i can literally feel it. worse than the time that he and i had to part ways... i can physically feel my heart being gripped between a vise and given a sharp squeeze. the sayings lied- time does not heal all wounds... it just grows a scab that would sting more when i peel it off, a new fresh wound.

what did i get out of writing this down? nothing. i'm just venting. what i wouldn't do just to get selective memory loss... it's not the memory of the awful break up that makes me want to crawl into a ball and pity myself. that i'm over with. this is the first time i have thought about it in ages...

you want to know what hurts the most?

remembering...

that eventhough he and i did not work out really well...
and that he was a total jerk about it...

the relationship was good (even more) while it lasted.

and he was probably the best i'll ever have... no matter what people say about him.

The Return of the Ex

i was thrilled when i heard from you again. it's been half a year since that night when you told me that everything we had between us was over. you never apologized for doing it. never explained how you came to that decision. then suddenly, i wake up to see your number on my phone and two messages:

"i'm sorry. i regret saying those things to you. i just want things back the way they were."

"i hope you understand. it's not my intention to hurt you. please forgive me. i can't bear the thought of you being angry with me."

i was shocked. i was already late for class that morning and the messages you sent in the middle of the night rattled my brains more. i was torn between elation and doubt. i was happy at the thought of you being concerned about my feelings and how i felt towards you. finally, you proved that you weren't as dense as i thought you were and apologized without being told to do so. but then again, i can't help but think that you have ulterior motives in seeking my forgiveness. are you flunking half your courses again and would need me to write your papers? did you just break up with your girlfriend and you're coming after me as a rebound? or is it just you miss the sex and want to revive the fling that lasted even longer than our relationship?

i guess i'll never know. you never were the type of guy who would just come out and say it. you liked controlling the situation. everything has to work out in your favor, it has always been like this even before all the drama started. it's a sick, twisted game you play and i seem to be your favorite playmate. i always get myself entangled in your web and still i stay. like i haven't learned my lesson.

it's not that i do not want to be rid of you once and for all, it's just that i can't. one of my friends told me that it was because we had already shared something intimate. she was wrong. it was more than the screwing, not that i wouldn't miss THAT, but it's because you have been a part of my life. we saw each other through adolescence and look at us now, we've become intense yet young adults. you took up quite a chunk of my time and losing you so suddenly, even if it was just for half a year, has left me with an empty gap that i could not fill. i missed the easy banter we exchange over the phone, the times when we would just hang out and fill ourselves with junkfood and soda. i miss the late nights when we would have a bottle of beer each and wax philosophical thoughts until the sun comes out. i long for the times when you would just pop by the house when i'm sick and watch videos with me until i fall asleep.

losing you meant more than losing the man i love... it meant i was losing my only bestfriend, the dearest person that i have trusted with all my life.

nobody really understood what i felt. they called me stupid for letting you in my life after every wrong you did to me. but they don't know what you and i have been through. we never really were a typical teenage couple, we took things really seriously, even early on. they would not see us beyond the physical intimacy we had... they missed the fact that you and i have dealt with issues and situations that regular teenage couples have never even knew existed. and that we survived it all on our own.

i believe that every person is entitled to a chance to go utterly unreasonable for someone they love. i guess you are that person. you are the one who is worthy enough to cause my insanity. and with having said my piece, the cycle continues, vicious and quite hurtful, until we both find the courage to finally live without having each other to escape to.

[the day after]