i'm not bitter. no kidding. i'm surrounded by happy couples and i'm happy for them. i like the idea of people hooking up almost everywhere- the bar, the gym, the mall, even in the library! i do think about happily ever after every once in a while but i just can't help but think that it's just not for me... or it just doesn't seem to happen to me.
a group of us went to stay at a friend's place for a weekend and her boyfriend caught up with us in the afternoon. they must've thought i'm crazy because i can't seem to look at him or my friend directly for the rest of our stay. i bet one of them were thinking that i like the guy... when in fact they couldn't be more wrong. this is the first time i will be putting these feelings out there and the first instance that my shield will show a chip.
i can't look at happy couples because i remember my past. it's really depressing for me to see them so sweet and close and be reminded that i do not have that anymore. memories gush out my emotional floodgate and i can't seem to stop it. reminiscing the times when it was still good would be just plain suicide for me- like stabbing myself in the gut fifty times. steady pain and slow death. don't get me wrong, i HAVE moved on, but a part of me still longs for the moments that were just pure bliss... when i felt so loved... when someone was there to make everything right for me... now i'm crying. the pain? well, i can literally feel it. worse than the time that he and i had to part ways... i can physically feel my heart being gripped between a vise and given a sharp squeeze. the sayings lied- time does not heal all wounds... it just grows a scab that would sting more when i peel it off, a new fresh wound.
what did i get out of writing this down? nothing. i'm just venting. what i wouldn't do just to get selective memory loss... it's not the memory of the awful break up that makes me want to crawl into a ball and pity myself. that i'm over with. this is the first time i have thought about it in ages...
you want to know what hurts the most?
remembering...
that eventhough he and i did not work out really well...
and that he was a total jerk about it...
the relationship was good (even more) while it lasted.
and he was probably the best i'll ever have... no matter what people say about him.
a group of us went to stay at a friend's place for a weekend and her boyfriend caught up with us in the afternoon. they must've thought i'm crazy because i can't seem to look at him or my friend directly for the rest of our stay. i bet one of them were thinking that i like the guy... when in fact they couldn't be more wrong. this is the first time i will be putting these feelings out there and the first instance that my shield will show a chip.
i can't look at happy couples because i remember my past. it's really depressing for me to see them so sweet and close and be reminded that i do not have that anymore. memories gush out my emotional floodgate and i can't seem to stop it. reminiscing the times when it was still good would be just plain suicide for me- like stabbing myself in the gut fifty times. steady pain and slow death. don't get me wrong, i HAVE moved on, but a part of me still longs for the moments that were just pure bliss... when i felt so loved... when someone was there to make everything right for me... now i'm crying. the pain? well, i can literally feel it. worse than the time that he and i had to part ways... i can physically feel my heart being gripped between a vise and given a sharp squeeze. the sayings lied- time does not heal all wounds... it just grows a scab that would sting more when i peel it off, a new fresh wound.
what did i get out of writing this down? nothing. i'm just venting. what i wouldn't do just to get selective memory loss... it's not the memory of the awful break up that makes me want to crawl into a ball and pity myself. that i'm over with. this is the first time i have thought about it in ages...
you want to know what hurts the most?
remembering...
that eventhough he and i did not work out really well...
and that he was a total jerk about it...
the relationship was good (even more) while it lasted.
and he was probably the best i'll ever have... no matter what people say about him.
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