The Sun Phenomenon

my high school friends and i have all gone our separate ways. a huge bulk of them had gone off to school in the manila area, a few of us pepper the quezon city schools and there are still some in the few colleges in makati. there are also those who have left the country to pursue their studies abroad... needless to say we are currently living lives that are very much different from all the other's.

we have grown up, met new friends, learned things we all wished we learned when we were sixteen. we broke hearts and had our hearts broken countless times. we joined organizations, earned honors and flunked subjects. don't turn on the waterworks just yet... i am just elaborating on how much we've already done in the three years since we left the hallowed halls of our high school alma mater.

all this, along with the fact that we rarely see each other has made those three years seem even longer than it really is. yes, i still keep in touch with my high school friends, i still go out with them for the occasional beer chugging sessions, but it's always the same people... or rather the people you find out you could always hang out with sans all the dramatics (i learned that you unveil your true friends after all the raging hormones have subsided, but that's another topic). how about the other people you used to go to class with? the people who pissed you off the most? the guys (or girls, whichever applies) whom you used to drool over? do they just die after you've received the diploma?

the answer... no. but there is nothing we can do about it. it's hard to keep track of people once you leave the old routine. we may still live in the same area but we are more diverse now... as if we weren't different enough in high school. aside from personality differences, time is a very limiting factor. there could only be so many hours a day... how can you find the time to socialize when you still have papers, chores, exams to accomplish?

but the most pressing concern is finance. it takes money to keep in touch with people. phone calls are too old-fashioned and time consuming for this generation. not everyone has an email... but everybody has a cellphone nowadays... although calls and SMS messaging cost probably heaps more than calling the land line phones.... until recently.

it seems that all it takes is a telecommunications company's well thought-out promotions plan to provide us with the means to keep in touch.

Tago

kanina lang nakita kita... sandali lang iyon. paano ba naman kasi, nang makita mo ako bigla ka na lang tumalikod at kumaripas ng takbo... palayo sa akin. alam ko namang nakita mo ako dahil tinignan mo pa nga ako sa mata. pero bago ko pa man makilala na ikaw na pala ang nakatayo sa harap ko, nakaalis ka na- tila hindi makapaghintay na makawala sa aking paningin.

ano ba ang nagawa ko sa iyo para taguan mo ako ng ganito? hindi naman kita pinepeste sa pagpipilit na magkaroon na tayo ng totoong relasyon- sa totoo lang, hindi nga sumagi sa utak ko iyan hanggang ngayon. hindi naman ako nanghihingi ng panahon mula sa iyo, hindi naman ako buntis at lalo nang hindi naman ako kineketong para iwasan nang ganiyan! alam ko namang wala akong habol sa iyo kahit anong mangyari pero bakit ba natatakot ka na magkita tayo sa labas ng mga pagkikita natin ilang hapon sa isang buwan upang magkasama at magpainit ng iyong kama?

hindi naman kita hahalikan. hindi naman kita yayakapin. hindi ko ibubuko sa kaniya na nagkikita pa tayo. hindi ko pinapaalam sa mga kakilala natin na nag-uusap pa tayo... ano ba talaga ang kinakatakutan mo? o di kaya'y ginugulo ka na ng konsensya mo dahil sa kabalbalang ginagawa mo sa dalawang babaeng sa totoong buhay lang ay hindi nararapat sa iyo?

ewan ko nga ba kung bakit pa ako naririto at pilit ko pang iniintindi kung ano ba ang nasa loob ng isipan mo. hindi na naman ako parte ng regular na buhay mo at hindi ka na rin naman parte ng buhay ko. noong ikaw ay bahagi pa ng araw-araw kong pamumuhay wala ka namang nadala kung hindi puro luha at sakit. ngayong ganito na tayo... bukod sa mga yakap, haplos at halik na pinagsasaluhan natin sa tuwing tayo'y tumatakas mula sa realidad na kinagisnan natin, wala kang naibibigay sa akin. dahil nga hindi ka na importante sa aking tunay na kuwento. wala ka nang halaga.

kaya huwag mo akong ituring na isang sakit na kailangan mong iwasan o isang bangungot kung saan kailangan mong magising... dahil hindi naman ako totoo sa iyo... parte lang ako ng iyong imahinasyon... hindi ako nanggugulo sa buhay mo kundi isa lamang sa mga gawa-gawa ng iyong utak para panandaliang makalimot at makatikim ng sensual na kaligayahan... huwag mo akong pagtuunan ng di na kinakailangang pansin dahil mabubuhay ka ng tahimik kahit na pareho tayo ng mundong ginagalawan...

...kahit na mas mapapabuti ako kung makakaalis na sa mundo mo.

Bitter

i'm not bitter. no kidding. i'm surrounded by happy couples and i'm happy for them. i like the idea of people hooking up almost everywhere- the bar, the gym, the mall, even in the library! i do think about happily ever after every once in a while but i just can't help but think that it's just not for me... or it just doesn't seem to happen to me.

a group of us went to stay at a friend's place for a weekend and her boyfriend caught up with us in the afternoon. they must've thought i'm crazy because i can't seem to look at him or my friend directly for the rest of our stay. i bet one of them were thinking that i like the guy... when in fact they couldn't be more wrong. this is the first time i will be putting these feelings out there and the first instance that my shield will show a chip.

i can't look at happy couples because i remember my past. it's really depressing for me to see them so sweet and close and be reminded that i do not have that anymore. memories gush out my emotional floodgate and i can't seem to stop it. reminiscing the times when it was still good would be just plain suicide for me- like stabbing myself in the gut fifty times. steady pain and slow death. don't get me wrong, i HAVE moved on, but a part of me still longs for the moments that were just pure bliss... when i felt so loved... when someone was there to make everything right for me... now i'm crying. the pain? well, i can literally feel it. worse than the time that he and i had to part ways... i can physically feel my heart being gripped between a vise and given a sharp squeeze. the sayings lied- time does not heal all wounds... it just grows a scab that would sting more when i peel it off, a new fresh wound.

what did i get out of writing this down? nothing. i'm just venting. what i wouldn't do just to get selective memory loss... it's not the memory of the awful break up that makes me want to crawl into a ball and pity myself. that i'm over with. this is the first time i have thought about it in ages...

you want to know what hurts the most?

remembering...

that eventhough he and i did not work out really well...
and that he was a total jerk about it...

the relationship was good (even more) while it lasted.

and he was probably the best i'll ever have... no matter what people say about him.

The Return of the Ex

i was thrilled when i heard from you again. it's been half a year since that night when you told me that everything we had between us was over. you never apologized for doing it. never explained how you came to that decision. then suddenly, i wake up to see your number on my phone and two messages:

"i'm sorry. i regret saying those things to you. i just want things back the way they were."

"i hope you understand. it's not my intention to hurt you. please forgive me. i can't bear the thought of you being angry with me."

i was shocked. i was already late for class that morning and the messages you sent in the middle of the night rattled my brains more. i was torn between elation and doubt. i was happy at the thought of you being concerned about my feelings and how i felt towards you. finally, you proved that you weren't as dense as i thought you were and apologized without being told to do so. but then again, i can't help but think that you have ulterior motives in seeking my forgiveness. are you flunking half your courses again and would need me to write your papers? did you just break up with your girlfriend and you're coming after me as a rebound? or is it just you miss the sex and want to revive the fling that lasted even longer than our relationship?

i guess i'll never know. you never were the type of guy who would just come out and say it. you liked controlling the situation. everything has to work out in your favor, it has always been like this even before all the drama started. it's a sick, twisted game you play and i seem to be your favorite playmate. i always get myself entangled in your web and still i stay. like i haven't learned my lesson.

it's not that i do not want to be rid of you once and for all, it's just that i can't. one of my friends told me that it was because we had already shared something intimate. she was wrong. it was more than the screwing, not that i wouldn't miss THAT, but it's because you have been a part of my life. we saw each other through adolescence and look at us now, we've become intense yet young adults. you took up quite a chunk of my time and losing you so suddenly, even if it was just for half a year, has left me with an empty gap that i could not fill. i missed the easy banter we exchange over the phone, the times when we would just hang out and fill ourselves with junkfood and soda. i miss the late nights when we would have a bottle of beer each and wax philosophical thoughts until the sun comes out. i long for the times when you would just pop by the house when i'm sick and watch videos with me until i fall asleep.

losing you meant more than losing the man i love... it meant i was losing my only bestfriend, the dearest person that i have trusted with all my life.

nobody really understood what i felt. they called me stupid for letting you in my life after every wrong you did to me. but they don't know what you and i have been through. we never really were a typical teenage couple, we took things really seriously, even early on. they would not see us beyond the physical intimacy we had... they missed the fact that you and i have dealt with issues and situations that regular teenage couples have never even knew existed. and that we survived it all on our own.

i believe that every person is entitled to a chance to go utterly unreasonable for someone they love. i guess you are that person. you are the one who is worthy enough to cause my insanity. and with having said my piece, the cycle continues, vicious and quite hurtful, until we both find the courage to finally live without having each other to escape to.

[the day after]