i was thrilled when i heard from you again. it's been half a year since that night when you told me that everything we had between us was over. you never apologized for doing it. never explained how you came to that decision. then suddenly, i wake up to see your number on my phone and two messages:
"i'm sorry. i regret saying those things to you. i just want things back the way they were."
"i hope you understand. it's not my intention to hurt you. please forgive me. i can't bear the thought of you being angry with me."
i was shocked. i was already late for class that morning and the messages you sent in the middle of the night rattled my brains more. i was torn between elation and doubt. i was happy at the thought of you being concerned about my feelings and how i felt towards you. finally, you proved that you weren't as dense as i thought you were and apologized without being told to do so. but then again, i can't help but think that you have ulterior motives in seeking my forgiveness. are you flunking half your courses again and would need me to write your papers? did you just break up with your girlfriend and you're coming after me as a rebound? or is it just you miss the sex and want to revive the fling that lasted even longer than our relationship?
i guess i'll never know. you never were the type of guy who would just come out and say it. you liked controlling the situation. everything has to work out in your favor, it has always been like this even before all the drama started. it's a sick, twisted game you play and i seem to be your favorite playmate. i always get myself entangled in your web and still i stay. like i haven't learned my lesson.
it's not that i do not want to be rid of you once and for all, it's just that i can't. one of my friends told me that it was because we had already shared something intimate. she was wrong. it was more than the screwing, not that i wouldn't miss THAT, but it's because you have been a part of my life. we saw each other through adolescence and look at us now, we've become intense yet young adults. you took up quite a chunk of my time and losing you so suddenly, even if it was just for half a year, has left me with an empty gap that i could not fill. i missed the easy banter we exchange over the phone, the times when we would just hang out and fill ourselves with junkfood and soda. i miss the late nights when we would have a bottle of beer each and wax philosophical thoughts until the sun comes out. i long for the times when you would just pop by the house when i'm sick and watch videos with me until i fall asleep.
losing you meant more than losing the man i love... it meant i was losing my only bestfriend, the dearest person that i have trusted with all my life.
nobody really understood what i felt. they called me stupid for letting you in my life after every wrong you did to me. but they don't know what you and i have been through. we never really were a typical teenage couple, we took things really seriously, even early on. they would not see us beyond the physical intimacy we had... they missed the fact that you and i have dealt with issues and situations that regular teenage couples have never even knew existed. and that we survived it all on our own.
i believe that every person is entitled to a chance to go utterly unreasonable for someone they love. i guess you are that person. you are the one who is worthy enough to cause my insanity. and with having said my piece, the cycle continues, vicious and quite hurtful, until we both find the courage to finally live without having each other to escape to.
[the day after]
"i'm sorry. i regret saying those things to you. i just want things back the way they were."
"i hope you understand. it's not my intention to hurt you. please forgive me. i can't bear the thought of you being angry with me."
i was shocked. i was already late for class that morning and the messages you sent in the middle of the night rattled my brains more. i was torn between elation and doubt. i was happy at the thought of you being concerned about my feelings and how i felt towards you. finally, you proved that you weren't as dense as i thought you were and apologized without being told to do so. but then again, i can't help but think that you have ulterior motives in seeking my forgiveness. are you flunking half your courses again and would need me to write your papers? did you just break up with your girlfriend and you're coming after me as a rebound? or is it just you miss the sex and want to revive the fling that lasted even longer than our relationship?
i guess i'll never know. you never were the type of guy who would just come out and say it. you liked controlling the situation. everything has to work out in your favor, it has always been like this even before all the drama started. it's a sick, twisted game you play and i seem to be your favorite playmate. i always get myself entangled in your web and still i stay. like i haven't learned my lesson.
it's not that i do not want to be rid of you once and for all, it's just that i can't. one of my friends told me that it was because we had already shared something intimate. she was wrong. it was more than the screwing, not that i wouldn't miss THAT, but it's because you have been a part of my life. we saw each other through adolescence and look at us now, we've become intense yet young adults. you took up quite a chunk of my time and losing you so suddenly, even if it was just for half a year, has left me with an empty gap that i could not fill. i missed the easy banter we exchange over the phone, the times when we would just hang out and fill ourselves with junkfood and soda. i miss the late nights when we would have a bottle of beer each and wax philosophical thoughts until the sun comes out. i long for the times when you would just pop by the house when i'm sick and watch videos with me until i fall asleep.
losing you meant more than losing the man i love... it meant i was losing my only bestfriend, the dearest person that i have trusted with all my life.
nobody really understood what i felt. they called me stupid for letting you in my life after every wrong you did to me. but they don't know what you and i have been through. we never really were a typical teenage couple, we took things really seriously, even early on. they would not see us beyond the physical intimacy we had... they missed the fact that you and i have dealt with issues and situations that regular teenage couples have never even knew existed. and that we survived it all on our own.
i believe that every person is entitled to a chance to go utterly unreasonable for someone they love. i guess you are that person. you are the one who is worthy enough to cause my insanity. and with having said my piece, the cycle continues, vicious and quite hurtful, until we both find the courage to finally live without having each other to escape to.
[the day after]
No comments:
Post a Comment